My boyfriend committed suicide.
I’m doing all right actually. Sometimes it’s really really hard for me but it comes in bursts in the middle of the night or when I’m showering or when I’m sitting at the dinner table, it’s hard to tell what’s even triggering the sadness that randomly but maybe it’s just because I’ve been very stoney-faced through the entire process and I can’t keep the face for 2 or 3 minutes. I started going back to work and I’m almost done moving out of the apartment. It’s really hard to see his family sometimes.
A lot of the questions I get I am alright with answering but there are a select few that are really hard to answer or I find too inappropriate to answer (i.e. how he did it, where, what his motives were, etc). I also have been receiving some of the nastiest messages that I just block, I had one that said I drove him to it, one that said I was never in love with him and that I was just a stupid girl making it way to exclusive to me and how I felt, and a few more saying I was probably going to break up with him anyway.
I have gotten so much more love though and that is what I save in my inbox and don’t reply to because it’s really nice to be able to see all these people that care and say encouraging beautiful things to me.
this is so perfect
I had a really scary dream last night. I was having a normal dream where I worked in a housewares store and I laid down in a model bed with white satin sheets and when I looked up, I saw my boyfriend hovering over me and I just remember his face very serious and him telling me I had to wake up. When I woke up, it was so hard to open my eyes but I saw the silhouette of a person at the end of my bed and it was so scary but I knew I was still asleep and I was telling my body it had to wake up but I couldn’t move at all and it was so hard but I turned on a light and it wouldn’t turn on and when I stumbled out of bed to turn on another light, that one wouldn’t work and my legs and arms were having so much trouble moving and I was falling down and scrambling to get out of my room. And I ran to my mom’s room and when I opened the door, her bed was empty.
Then I actually woke up and I was breathing really heavy and my heart was beating really fast as if it had actually happened and I’ve never had a dream within a dream before it was terrifying not knowing if I was awake or asleep.